[IP] A lesson in gravy boat etiquette
Begin forwarded message:
From: Brian Randell <Brian.Randell@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: October 14, 2004 8:23:35 PM GMT+01:00
To: dave@xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: A lesson in gravy boat etiquette
Dave:
Here is the piece from today's guardian that I told you about.
cheers
Brian
===
http://politics.guardian.co.uk/commons/comment/0,9236,1326850,00.html
A lesson in gravy boat etiquette
Simon Hoggart
Thursday October 14, 2004
The Guardian
Did Tony Blair apologise for the Iraq war? Of course not. Are you mad?
So if he didn't, did he apologise for something else, such as offering
the country a prospectus so phoney it would have had a bent Mayfair
estate agent run out of business?
The jury is still out. (I hate that cliche. In my experience, juries
want to reach a verdict and get home for lunch. That will not apply in
this case.)
It was the first prime minister's question time since the party
conferences. Michael Howard said Mr Blair had not accurately reported
the intelligence to MPs. "Will you now say 'sorry' for that?"
Here is the reply: "I take full responsibility and apologise for any
information given in good faith which has subsequently turned out to be
wrong.
"What I do not in any way accept is that there was any deception of
anyone. I will not apologise for removing Saddam Hussein. I will not
apologise for the conflict. I believe it was right then, is right now,
and essential for the wider security of that region and the world."
This is the Tony Blair school of etiquette, in which you say you are
"sorry" while making it clear (a) that you are not to blame, (b) that
it wasn't your fault, and (c) even if it was, you would do the same
thing all over again.
For instance, "I am sorry that I spilled gravy all over your trousers.
I hope you will accept that there was nothing intentional about this.
Had I known there was a ruck in the carpet, I would not have trodden on
it while holding the gravy boat.
"But there is one thing I will not do, and that is apologise for the
gravy itself. The whole house will agree that gravy is a vital part of
any meal involving roast meat. Meat without gravy is intolerably dry
and the British people will never accept that.
"The Rt Hon gentleman has conspicuously failed to tell us his attitude
to gravy. Let me remind him that under the last Tory administration the
quantity of gravy fell to its lowest level ever.
"I have to tell him that with inflation at a record low, and our
educational standards rising at every level ... "
Or, "I regret that you were unaware that I am a married man. I spoke at
all times in good faith, and I must make it clear that at no stage was
I asked whether I had a wife.
"What I cannot do is apologise for our trip to Brighton, where, you may
recall, we had a suite in the Grand, a champagne and smoked salmon
supper, and at no time during that long, and might I add, eventful
night, was the question of marital status ever raised ..."
After a while you just want to beg him to stop. "I don't mind!" you
cry. "Just shut up!"
Curiously, the sharpest shaft came from Bob Wareing, a, short, plump
Liverpudlian MP who has been around the place, largely unnoticed, for
more than 20 years.
He opposed the invasion of Iraq and stood up to say that if getting rid
of Saddam had been the real aim of the war, how was it that in February
2003 Mr Blair offered the dictator a chance to stay in office by
meeting the UN demands?
This was greeted with loud and prolonged cheering from Lib Dems and
Tories, delighted to see a Labour MP, and such an unexpected one, wield
the scalpel so deftly.
Mr Blair flannelled. "The reason we had to change regime was that it
was perfectly obvious he was not going to comply."
Hmm. "Had the gravy boat been empty, my Hon friend would have had no
need to complain. But it was because with gravy the beef is a moister,
more digestible meal, a meal that the British people deserve ..."
And so on, for the next few years.
--
School of Computing Science, University of Newcastle, Newcastle upon
Tyne,
NE1 7RU, UK
EMAIL = Brian.Randell@xxxxxxxxx PHONE = +44 191 222 7923
FAX = +44 191 222 8232 URL = http://www.cs.ncl.ac.uk/~brian.randell/
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